I’ve never been a fan of public transportation, but after unsuccessfully trying to keep a car while living in the city, my futile attempts at avoiding it were all for naught. I remember when I started riding it I thought, “hey this isn’t that bad”. My road rage was subsiding, and I was getting some good people watching time. Then it began, little instances that began to drive me crazy. Every time I was on the bus, something would happen that would bring me closer and closer to the brink of insanity. Here are some of my favorites.

• Incident One: I was riding the bus home one day and began to notice some smoke in the middle of the bus. At the time I assumed it was probably coming off one of the more…. derelict type passengers. As we got to a stop about 4 blocks from my apartment, the smoke is joined by flame, yes thats right, the bus was on fire. Now what would you think is the best course of action. Try to get everyone out in an orderly fashion. Does that happen? No! Because Professor Von Douche sitting next to me decides to yell “FIRE”. How cliche!

• Incident Two: Its a bright and sunny morning, I am on the way to work. I have literally JUST gotten on the bus, it travels less then a block and BAM it slams into a mini van. However, this was not the bad part…. well yes that was bad, but just listen. So because of the way I was standing at the time I lurched forward and hit my head. It left a welt in the middle of my forward for a couple of weeks. If I might nerd out for a moment, I looked like a fucking Klingon

• Incident Three - On Going: Couples on the bus. Listen, I am super happy for you, you found someone as ugly as you are to suck face in public. Mozal Tov really. That being said, here’s what I don’t need to see. You and your girlfriend, or boyfriend, A. Talking like babies to each other, its not even cool when you do it to babies. B. Pretending not to know each other and hitting on one another with that same ruse. C. Making out and having your hands all over each other. People, you’re on the bus, your significant other isn’t going to run away at the next stop, you can let go of them and please oh please stop making out in front of me.

• Incident Four - On Going - Possibly my favorite: Little asian ladies, I have nothing against you. In fact I admire your unique ability to get on the busy before everyone else. I’m not sure if you think its the last bus, or that maybe I’m going to steal your grocery bags full of perhaps the worst smelling things I can imagine. Your ability to get a seat is even more amazing, you’ll take one seat, but if a single seat opens a little closer to an exit, your sitting down in it before I even notice its gone. Even with my huge amount of respect for you, I must tell you this one thing. I am bigger, taller, and wider then you. So don’t try to get past me, because I’ll knock you down. Thats right, what!

I have never been someone to complain…. ok its like crack to me, but the bus is really funny to me. You can see the best and worst of humanity all from an uncomfortable plastic seat.

• What is with people and their passion for coffee? In the morning, I pass by a Starbucks on the corner of 45th Street near Vanderbilt. There is always a line of at least 10 people. But, I pass two more Starbucks before I get to my office 3 blocks away, and they are always fairly empty. I once asked someone, and they actually said with a straight face that this Starbucks is the best in the city. People are sheep.
• In my office, there are a few people who like Pret. In fact, one person literally WILL NOT DRINK COFFEE unless it is from Pret. Is this guy serious? It’s hot water and beans. Let’s stop pretending any of us can taste the fucking difference.
• My dad is getting old. Consequently, he can’t see. Even though he has a huge monitor that makes his desk look like a drive-in movie theater, he can’t tell an L from a X. So, instead of moving his monitor closer to his face, which would be the most logical way to combat the problem, he decided to set his browser to the maximum font size, and then use ALL CAPS on top of that. The unintended result is that every time I get an email from him, I want to punch him in the face.
• I don’t go away often. I was supposed to go to Mexico last March, but a massive snow storm hit that day and it was nixed. All of the sudden, I went to Bahamas in early December, a cruise in late December, New Orleans in January, and Israel two weeks ago. I have to learn how to space this shit out. It seems wasteful that I have had 1 vacation in the past 3 years until December, and 4 in the past 3 months.
• Personal Requests:
• Girls of NYC, stop using the term “stalker.” I heard some friends use this term this weekend, and it pisses me off! If a guy calls you twice in a week, he is not stalking you. You wish! It is all a transparent affectation, an effort to prove to yourself that you are worthy of stalking. Well, let me ruin the surprise for you; you’re not. Do you realize that if the guy calls you twice without a callback, he is a stalker. If he doesn’t call you, he is an asshole. You leave little margin.
• Bums, don’t touch me. If you see me on the subway, don’t tap me and ask for money. This is especially true if you have rampant sores all over your face. The city (especially the subway) is dirty enough without you touching me. I don’t want to give you money, leave me alone.
• Does anyone actually use the “to page this person” option on voicemails? Can we just remove this feature altogether?
• It angers me when, while sitting and waiting for a movie to start, someone comes in and tells me about disabled kids who need my help. Instead of pandering, how about they take a donation out of the $3.75 I paid for a bottle of Dasani.
• Something I can do without: the Jewish guilt trip I get from my dentist each visit for not flossing enough.

Anyone that knows me well knows I am not a huge drinker. I loves me my beer, but it has been a long time since I regularly went out boozing. Moral of the story, my tolerance is weakened.
This past Friday, I went with a couple of buddies from work on an all-out binge drinking fest. We went to 5 bars before I was so screwy that I had to go home. I wanted to give you all a couple of notes about the night, as well as some lessons:

• Bacardi 151 is by far the strongest shot I have ever taken. Being 151 proof, it is over 75% pure alcohol. If I tell you it burns going down, it would be the understatement of the century. It was like drinking liquid hell.
• A tip that may be obvious to most people, but information that somehow alluded me on Friday at around midnight… Don’t take a cab when so drunk that you can’t open your eyes, and expect a normal rate. Now, I am no Google Maps, but I am fairly sure that a trip from 2nd Avenue and 53rd Street to Houston and Elizabeth should not cost $24, before tip!
• Guidos are the worst. I am not the first to say it, and am surely not the last, but they ruin everything. A note to skeevooches:
  STOP TRYING TO START FIGHTS OVER EVERYTHING EVER! And if you are in a crowded place with a bunch of drunk people, expect that you may get inadvertently elbowed from time to time. Life goes on.
• We started at a place called Crocodile Lounge on 14th Street and 2nd Avenue. The place gives you free pizza with every drink. I will repeat that. FREE PIZZA WITH EVERY DRINK! Needless to say, I have a new favorite bar.
• Early in the night, we went to Coyote Ugly. Trust me when I say that the movie was totally inaccurate. There were like 20 dudes in there, and two really ugly bartenders. There was one old chick who called me “pussy” when I asked for a Heineken. She seemed nice.
• I am amazed how every time I am drunk, I swear off all alcohol and proclaim that I will never drink again. I did it Friday, and this time, the sobriety lasted longest. I didn’t have a beer until the next day at around 3pm.
• I miraculously managed to get up on Saturday and go play football in my league. For that feat alone, I think I should be a Heisman candidate.

Quick Hits:

• I hate Gummy Bears. How can anyone like them? I don’t get it. They have no real taste, and they just require a shitload of chewing. There is no real benefit.
• I think I seriously hurt my knee playing Dodgeball. How pathetic is it that I have a potentially serious injury from a game designed to keep 8 year olds busy during recess.
• There is a homeless guy who sometimes hangs out on the street by my office. He looks you directly in the eye and asks for money, and if you don’t cough it up, he gets angry and curses you off. Then, if you pass by again, he asks you if you got any change. Isn’t the whole curse-off thing counter-productive to his end goal? I wonder if anyone actually gives him money.
• I hate winter coats. I am holding out wearing my lighter coats with a few layers as long as possible. The problem is that I always go too puffy… Then, I walk around looking like an overly-wrapped toddler going out to play in the snow.
• Regarding NYC subway etiquette, it pisses me off to no end when someone is trying to get on the subway and people already on don’t step to the middle of the car, so there is a massive open gap in the center of the car, and a huge crowded mess by the doors. Totally uncalled for. Unless, however, I am one of the people that should be stepping in. In that case, the people pushing in should have gotten there earlier. Fuck them! I don’t want to be in the middle of the car.
• Can someone please explain to Alex Rodriguez that he is playing a kids game… That his job involves swinging a stick at a ball. Where in fuck’s name does this little bitch get off demanding a $350 million contract just to SPEAK with a team? I hope to god that all owners/GMs participate in collusion and make this guy take a “pathetic” offer of a few million dollars per year.

• A friend of mine who is notoriously pretentious, has given himself a nickname… Worse, it isn’t even a real nickname! He has begun to refer to himself as “B,” which is the first initial of his first name. Does this guy deserve a shortened form of his name? Why not just go with a symbol, like Prince? We can all refer to him as “The Pretentious Fool Formally Known as Brian.” Sometimes it makes me embarrassed to know him, but usually, it is just fun to laugh at him.

• My buddy Neil is coming to town this week with his girlfriend. As you may remember from past posts, he is one of my best friends but now lives in Australia and doesn’t visit often. He is famous among my high school buddies for a number of things, including farting into a coke bottle and letting it fester for a number of years. The eccentric fellow is a lot of fun and I am pretty excited to see him! We are going to take a trip up to Boston, go to a water slide park, and visit some friends. Then, on Sunday, one of our good friends from growing up, John, is getting married. It is crazy how time flies and we are all getting older. Luckily, my maturity level has maintained in tact and unchanged since I was 8.

• Is it just me or should a dime be larger than a penny? It seems that they made the coins in size order, and a half-dollar was the biggest, followed by the quarter and nickel. Why did they have to go and throw a wrench in that by making the dime smaller than the penny? I understand that the amount of precious metal in a dime made it $0.10, but why not make the penny out of a more expensive metal and make it smaller? Or make the dime out of a less expensive metal and make it bigger? It is just illogical and I don’t like it. It’s concerns like this that kept me in the “special class” as a kid.

• I have been playing soccer with a bunch of buddies from work lately. It is a great time, but being American and playing with 9 Brits, I realize how much I suck. But, I am surprisingly energetic, and many of my friends have commented how I am really fast and have great stamina. The odds of a 5′6″ stocky guy being fast are staggeringly slim, so I am pretty proud of myself.

• I also have gotten many of the same guys to play Dodgeball with me at my gym. That is a sport where I seriously excel. I am fast, aware, and I can catch anything. They call me “the ghost.” (actually, I am the only one who calls me that, but whatever).

• I hate the people who break out the umbrellas the second it starts to drizzle. What a bunch of pussies!

• What the fuck is with the names of Thai restaurants? Why do they all insist on having dumb pun names like “Thai One On” or “Family Thai?” It would be funny if Jewish delis did that too… “Challah Back,” “Lox of Luck,” or “Blintz-krieg’s.”

• I would enjoy work a lot more if I didn’t have to deal with the idiots who continually reference how far they are from the weekend.
  

  Noah: Hey man, how’s it going?
  Bill: It’s Wednesday! We’re halfway there! How bad could it be?

• Could Christian Bale be any cooler? The guy is awesome! See “Rescue Dawn” and you will understand my point of view.

[Crosspost: Originally appeared on NewYork Metroblogs]

Over the three-day weekend, I took some time to ponder a number of things that struck me as odd. Here they are:
- You can make fun of The Cosby Show and their cheesy messages all you want, but know this: 15 years after it wrapped, it is on about 500 times throughout the day on various channels. Pretty impressive. I always like to tune in to see Theo’s shirts.
- What is with bars no longer having names. It seems that inevitably where there once stood your favorite bar or lounge now stands a portentious dark space with no sign, a massive mountain of a bouncer with no neck, and a staggering line to get in. When you finally do make it inside and ask the bartender the name, he will say it is something like “Nine.” What is the deal here? It is obviously an attempt to make the place seem more exclusive, but when so many bars are already going that route, doesn’t it seem a bit pointless. I hope that eventually, the trend will reverse itself (as trends usually do) and the “exclusive” and “hot” new place will just be called “Jim’s.”
- Just for fun: try to count the number of guys you see at any Murray Hill bar with overly jelled hair, wearing dark jeans, no undershirt, and a vertical striped button-down shirt. I guarantee you will hit triple-digits. Just for fun, call out the names Adam or David to see how many turn around. If you break 50%, you win. I rarely lose.
- Is it just me or does the line at Trader Joe’s in Union Square grow each time you go in. And don’t give me that “it moves quickly” shit… If it is more than 100 people, there is no way it moves quick enough for me.
- I saw Rachael Ray in Union Square on Monday. I was unimpressed.
- I was forced to watch a few minutes of “The Golden Globes” last night. I wanted to kill myself. Can there be a more diluted and vain group of people on the planet than TV/Movie celebrities? The industry actually has an “Award Season” where they have a series of self-congratulatory fancy dinners and award shows, some where THEY ARE THE ONES WHO CHOSE WHO WINS! The fact that they fool people into thinking it is newsworthy is the real trick.
- My roommate recently pointed out to me that the funniest/cheesiest plot that almost every 80s or 90s TV show employed at some point was the Christmas episode where one of the kids felt unneeded, and then they fell asleep and an angel came to them to show what Christmas would be like without them. Everyone was always sad, and the whole thing seemed incomplete. Then, the kid would wake up and hug everyone in the family and make idiotic statements that pertained to her dream but made no sense to the other characters, and they would just say something like “I think somebody had a few too many candy canes!” That never happened to me. I feel a bit gypped.
- For a city that is known to have so much to do, it sure seems futile to figure out a plan of action when it rains out.
- There comes a time in the night when, no matter what is going on, I just want to go home and go to bed… There could be an incredible party a few blocks away for models and porn stars (the girls) only, with unlimited alcohol and no cover, and Bono is singing karaoke there, and I will just say no because I am too tired. That time seems to be getting earlier and earlier as I get older.

And, it is time to go back to work, which sucks. I wish I had a more graceful way to end this post…

[photo courtesy Wikipedia]

I know it’s been a while since my last update. I have been posting like a madman at Metroblogs. But, I did want to throw out some things that have been getting to me lately:

• Avocado is the worst sandwich topping. It is a huge tease. It tastes delicious, but first off, it is like 100% fat. Second, every time you bite down on the sandwich, the avocado squirts out. WTF?

• I hate New Years Eve. It is the most overrated holiday in history (save for Valentine’s Day). Every year, people plan and plan and plan, so they will have a kick-ass New Years Eve, but then it hits 11:58 and you think “I can’t believe this is where I am spending my New Years!” I am glad that this year I will be spending it with someone I enjoy so much, but it is still overrated and kind of ridiculous. Keep in mind that it is pretty arbitrary. It could have been on June 23. There is no reason for it being 12/31, but it just is. Remember that when you are singing that stupid fucking song with a dumb-looking hat on.

• The New York Knicks. I don’t even need a joke, just the words and a link.

• Martha, your admission has made men across the country barf in unison.

• If you haven’t already, be sure to check out my rant on the Sean Bell shooting over at Metroblogs.

• A few people have asked me why I am so excited to see Rocky Balboa, the sixth installment of the classic underdog movie… Bottom line: It could not be worse than Rocky V.

• I just found a cool browser trick. If you use Firefox instead of Internet Explorer (which I recommend), and you type in a movie name into the address bar with no spaces or www or anything else, it will bring you to the IMDB entry of that movie. In other words, if you open up a browser window and type in “When Harry Met Sally” just like that in the address bar, you will get to the IMDB entry. Pretty cool!

That is it for now. Word to your respective mothers.

As a society, I think we have gone overboard with pockets. If we were still cavemen, it would be more logical. We would be forced to be nomadic, and therefore any carrying space would be a welcomed addition to our wardrobe, but now, the more convenience we have as a society, the more pockets we have and the larger they make them. I have talked before about what we keep in their pockets, but now I think it is time to tackle the real problem… The volume of pockets…

• Why do winter coats have so many pockets? They have the two normal ones, then the breast pockets, then the inside ones, which sometimes are divided into sections… Then, some even have hidden pockets in the zipper lining, where you could maybe store a small flask or something. Are people taking up alcoholism at that high of a rate that this new pocket is necessary?

• Cargo pants were a fashion statement at first, but now it is getting a bit ridiculous. Why does some punk need a huge pair of pants with 11 pockets on it? Some cargo pants even have a small pocket in the shin area. What could this possibly be used for? There is no reason! Let’s move away from form, and concentrate on function again, people! This is even more true of “Parachute Pants.” They are ridiculous not just for all of the fruity streamers and overstated bagginess, but also for the fact that they have so many pockets. Of all of society, maybe 1 in 10,000 actually go skydiving. Why is American Eagle selling a million units per month of these stupid pants?

• Lady readers, this probably will not make much sense to you. But for the men out there, what is the point of the pocket within a pocket in dress pants? Someone I work with was ripping his out when it occurred to me… Who invented this stupid feature? More importantly, what is its purpose? Is it for change? Is it for small food items? Maybe a pocket knife? I don’t get it. I find it to just be cumbersome. If I am trying to find some change, my keys, or any other pocket-bound item, I now have to search two pockets instead of one. If there were a clear cut purpose, fine… But, it just seems to be overkill!

• Does anyone actually use that little pocket above the normal right pocket in their jeans? What is supposed to go in there? I have tried to utilize it with change or with small items like Chap Stick, but I always forget that it is in there when I take the pants off.

• Have you ever seen pajama pants with pockets? That is weird, isn’t it? You aren’t sure if you are supposed to actually use them… Moreover, what would you need to bring to bed with you that you couldn’t just leave on the nightstand? Do you plan on needing small bills during REM sleep? Also, Pajama shirts seem to often have breast pockets. Again, what’s the use? Breast pockets in general are kind of stupid. They are used for three things. If you don’t carry business cards, pens, or valet parking tickets, they are obsolete. And I doubt people are bring any of those things to bed with them.

• I have even seen boxers with pockets! That is the ultimate display in waste. That is what I deem a completely unnecessary pocket. Unless you are trying to smuggle small amounts of drugs, there is literally no discernable reason to have a pocket in your underwear.

Points of Interest:

• After Bruce Banner became the hulk, once he calmed down and was no longer green, I bet he felt a bit uncomfortable. I mean, he was just wearing a pair of purple cutoff shorts. Unless he miraculously ended up in a gay parade line, it would have been pretty awkward.

• Yankees fans suck. They are all downplaying the Mets success this year. Can’t they just let another team have their fucking moment? What a bunch of little bitches.

• Have you ever waited a long time then used an air can to clean out your keyboard? Try it. I guarantee you won’t want to eat lunch that day.

• Why does anyone give a shit about Madonna adopting a baby? Don’t give her the attention that she is craving. Ignore it, and NYPost/Daily News, stop reporting on it! For god’s sakes, there is a nuclear scare in the Asian Peninsula! Why the fuck should I care about a glorified prostitute adopting some kid in Malawi?

• Have you ever impulsively decided mid-candy bar that you want to start a diet? I don’t mean “I should start a diet now,” but more “What the fuck am I doing? I need to diet!” You actually consider spitting out whatever is not swallowed, and throwing out the rest of the candy bar. Then, you come a bit more to your senses, and think “OK, this is crazy. Let me finish this bar and I am starting a diet on Monday. I am gonna start working out regularly and eating only veggies. Generally, by the next day, you have forgotten about the diet.

• Is it just me or is the state of jeans out of control? It used to be that thugs wore big baggy pants, gay guys wore flamboyant thight jeans, and normal white guys like me wore normal jeans. But I just saw a very large meathead-like tough guy (you know the guy, the type with no neck) with a really good looking girl, but in addition to his abnormally tight wife-beater shirt, he was wearing tight jeans with flowery print on them… I think people need to back to the good old days where you wore the type of jeans that fit into your lifestyle.

• I don’t know what the deal is, but NY area attractions seem to have absolutely no plan for traffic. It is ridiculous! Last weekend, I went to Giants stadium, and although I have seen much worse traffic there, it still took about 90 minutes or so to get from my apt to the parking spot at the stadium, roughly a 9 mile trip. This weekend, I went with Alli to Woodbury Common. When we left to head back to NYC at roughly 5:30, we had to wait in traffic for about an hour before we even got onto the highway. This isn’t in Manhattan or even an outer borough… This is Harriman, NY! There is no reason it should be so difficult. For a metropolitan area that is so densely populated and centered around a city that was designed to handle the easy movement of people, the roadways seem to be a quagmire of slow, crawling gridlock.

• Why do they call the bonus questions in Jeopardy the “Daily Double?” That implies that it comes once a day, but as any fan or person over 65 will tell you, there are up to three of them in each episode… WTF? Cut the shit, Trebek. You’re not fooling anyone.

Hello all,

I want to let you know that I will probably be posting less frequently going forward… I have been invited to start posting on Metroblogs, which is a real cool city-specific blog site. My buddy Neil (the bottle farter) is one of the leaders of the Melbourne one, and he introduced me to it. After participating for a while in comments and suggesting things to write, I was invited to join. So, I am envisioning one post a week on this site, and 2-4 posts a week on Metroblogs. Definitely check it out. You can view just my posts, and if you have an RSS reader, set up a feed, or just bookmark that URL and check it when you can. But, here’s something that occurred to me this weekend, although it is not really “new material.”

This weekend, I borrowed my dad’s car and I got to drive for the first time in many moons. It was great! I forgot how much I love it. Now, I tend to be a bit of a lead-foot. I am not a “driving prick” (a person who weaves in and out who thinks they are at Le Mans, see Guidos from Brooklyn), but I will stay in the left lane and will probably average 85mph on most trips. However, as I was driving this weekend, I was reminded of one of my all-time favorite George Carlin bits:

(regarding driving) Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron?

This is so true! As I am driving up the Henry Hudson, I’m passing people going 70mph and saying “bye bye, moron!” but if someone comes up behind me and starts riding my tail, I will get out of the lane, and as they pass me, I will yell “MANIAC!” Why is it human nature to assume that whatever speed we are doing is the official correct speed?

Anyway, keep up the commenting.

//nk

• I keep my socks and boxers in two drawers, one on top of the other. I can never ever remember which is on top. I inevitably open the wrong one first. It is starting to piss me off. I am considering a complex labeling system.

• I can’t throw away button down shirts. It is a major issue for me. Doesn’t matter if I don’t wear them anymore… It doesn’t even matter if they have a huge tear in them, I always refuse to throw them away. My closet is like a late 90s through early 2000s time-capsule.

• I know I am officially a nerd because my books take up more than one piece of furniture. I think that is the key. Plus, most of them are either books about historic assassinations or trivia books called something juvenile like “Bathroom Reader.” If I was ever the suspect of a major crime, I would definitely get convicted, just based on the conclusion that I am a freak.

• Before I lived in my current apartment, my roommate lived in the place with another of his friends. The other friend installed some drapes, which could be construed as flamboyantly gay. But, they are really functional, so I kept them. Whenever anyone walks in the room, they think I’m gay. I have to tell the story every time. I think I will just stop arguing and go along with it. It’s easier.

• My bed is situated in the middle of the room. I have stubbed my toe a million times, and continually bang or scratch my leg on the squared off corners. WTF?

• Ikea really needs to reinforce the bottom parts of their drawers. Once a few things go in there, the bottom drops out, literally! What a bunch of cheap Nordic shit. Have you ever noticed the food selection at Ikea? They have that restaurant with a Swedish theme, but don’t explain what anything is. What fat dumb American is going to buy an unrecognizable meat dish called “Fleurgan?” The only think that is at all recognizable are the Swedish meatballs. I bet they sell a lot of those.

• The guy who lived in my room before me had pictures hung really high, and apparently was not very handy, because for each picture, there are like 10 nail holes that seem like “first try” holes. When I moved in, I wanted to cover as many of those as I could with pictures, but the result is that I have some pictures at normal height, and some that start an inch from the ceiling. It looks odd, to say the least.

• A couple things about the Cory Lidle thing:
• I have noticed a lot of people with no connection to the events saying things like “my prayers go out to his family.” What does that mean? His family doesn’t know you or give two shits about you, so don’t say that because it is not a functional statement. It does nothing. It may be self-serving, but there is no need to say it. If you want to pray for his family, do it.
• Many of those people say nothing about the innocent people living in the building, in the FDNY, and on the street who were hurt? This incident was totally out of their hands and they now have to live with it. I am not downplaying the severity and the pain the Lidle family must be experiencing, but I am getting really sick of rich people thinking they are invincible and getting up in a Buddy Holly special when they really shouldn’t. He went up in bad weather with not much training, he was flying at only 800 feet in one of the most densely populated and densely constructed cities in North America, and he is the one who should have known better. While there are lots of facts to still come out, he is probably still a victim, but he is also the perpetrator here.
• Cheers to Major League Baseball for not cancelling any games or going over the top with fanfare in the face of mounting pressure. While this is a tragedy, cancelling the game would not have done anything to help the cause. I believe it would reinforce the pageantry that has become so commonplace in our society. So, moments of silence galore, but these guys make millions and millions to play baseball. Because someone decided he was a renegade and crashed into a building, I don’t think that the playoffs need to be postponed.

• Brunch this weekend was good. The family went out in honor of my parent’s 35th anniversary. Nothing extremely notable happened at the actual meal, but below are two stories that epitomize my parents and their nuttyness:
• We were laughing about an old story involving my father. The thing you need to know to appreciate this story is that my dad is totally captivated by marketing. So, if Coca Cola puts an orange cap on a bottle, my dad will say “Oooh, that Coke has an orange cap! Let’s buy it!” It is really sad to watch. So, a number of months ago, I was with my parents at a grocery store near their house, and we were walking through the fruit section. My father finds a crate labeled “Pluots.” It is a hybrid fruit from cross-breeding a plum and an apricot. Though these are two fruits that my father never eats independently, he was enamored with the idea of combining them! So, he picks one up and examines it, decides it is his new favorite fruit, and grabs a couple to buy. So we finish our shopping and go home. Once home, my dad rips into his first pluot, and in a move typical of him, he proclaims “this is the best fruit I have ever eaten!” After a couple bites, he puts it down and goes to do something else. He never finishes pluot #1. A couple of weeks later, my mom finds the other pluot in the back of the fridge, and asks my dad if he wants it. “I’m going to eat that! Leave it!” With incredible foresight, my mom throws it out knowing my dad won’t eat it. Of course, he never even noticed it was gone. I am telling you, if you take an apple and cover it with pink food dye, my father will buy a baker’s dozen.
• My mother has ABSOLUTELY no conception of time, especially when it comes to her job. After brunch, my mom makes us stop off at an antique store nearby the restaurant because she doesn’t get to that area often (my mom buys and sells antiques so she regularly has to visit stores). As she gets out of the car, she says “I will just be a minute,” which is the kiss of death. If she says that, she knows it won’t be a short visit, and she is bullshitting you. So, the rest of us go to the grocery store to kill time (we are not very clever). We get out of the store and are sitting in the car for about 20 minutes, when we start getting frustrated. My sister calls my mom to get her out, and my mom is all huffy on the phone. She finally gets to the car and denies that she has been gone for more than 5 minutes. Totally selfish and not fair at all, which is not very characteristic of my mom, but when antiques are involved, she loses the ability to give a shit. Very annoying.

• Is it just me or is it really frustrating that all of the TV networks now leave their little icon thing on the screen during shows? When did that start? And how insecure and desperate are these networks that they need to constantly remind you what channel you are watching?

• Have you ever called and got someone’s voicemail, and the automated voice tells you to press 1 to leave a message, then you press one and it beeps IMMEDIATELY while you are still moving the handset back to your ear? That is the worst! You have the handset up to your ear and you are humming “Hungry Eyes” (or something else that is equally embarrassing), waiting for the beep to come, then it occurs to you that you are being recorded. There is no turning back, since even if you just hang up or say crazy things in a weird voice to throw someone off the trail, they see your name on caller ID, so they will connect the dots. These cell companies have to be a bit more generous with the grace period before the beep.

• Have you ever managed to coax a fly out of a room you are in through a window to the outside? It’s a great feeling, isn’t it? I did that yesterday. I’m still on cloud-9.

• Why would Google buy YouTube? It makes no sense to me. For those who don’t know, Google has a “content network” of sites where they serve supposedly relevant ads by scanning the site and using the most relevant words as a key. So, if they scan an article about scalping, the bot would recognize “football tickets” the most and would serve ads based on that term. They have been trying hard to grow that network with high-quality consumer sites, but on YouTube, nobody is in purchase mode. YouTube will serve ads for “fences” on a video where a bunch of idiots run into their fence. Nobody will click on it, and the ones that do are unlikely purchasers. It seems odd. I am anxious to see what they plan on doing to capitalize on this expensive acquisition.

• I didn’t make it to the Bob Dylan exhibit last weekend because I was a bit under the weather, but will soon… I will report back when I do, since I know you are all on the edge of your seats waiting.

• The concept of neighbors in NYC is weird. I don’t know how to treat it. I grew up in White Plains which, despite the fact that it is now a pretty large town, was a small town in the mid-late 80s when I was in my adolescent prime. We had neighbors, and we knew them, and it was normal to knock on a neighbor’s door and introduce yourself, something my parents did with most new families that moved in. But in the city, there are so many reasons that it is awkward. First of all, there is so much turnover. Most people I know haven’t lived in the same place for more than a year, so you would be constantly introducing yourself to new people… There is no continuity. Secondly, because NYC is so densely packed, you could never hit everyone. This combined with my first point means you would spend about 25% of your time introducing yourself to strangers. Third, NYers are very skeptical, by nature. When you live in a city that is a haven for gypsies, con-men, and crooks, you learn not to trust anyone. So, if someone knocks on your door, they have a motive. I can’t blame them for that. If someone knocks on my door to say hi, they might as well be stark naked wearing clown shoes, nipple clamps, and a 10-gallon hat… I will assume they are crazy anyway. So, all of this leaves me feeling uncomfortable when there is a new neighbor. Never sure what to do.

Some things:

• Barbara, instead of worrying about politics, something you are clearly ill-iquipped to opine on, how about you worry about keeping your word of a promo tour being “your last concert series ever.” That will truly make the world a better place.

• NY delis give WAY too many napkins. I just bought a yogurt and a banana, and they gave me 7 napkins. Unless I plan on bathing in the yogurt, there is no need. One napkin would have been more than enough. I think the problem is that they don’t discriminate based on the food, so they give you the same half-inch thick stack whether you get a soda or an order of hot wings. It is pretty wasteful, and completely unnecessary. And because of my beliefs in not being overly wasteful and not littering, I have a stack of napkins on my desk that is at least 6 inches thick.

• There is a guy in my office who smokes at least two packs a day, and he drinks coffee non-stop. Whenever anyone asks how he is still alive, someone says “he’s from Russia. That’s how they do it over there.” But I think he is bionic. We have these 1-toilet bathrooms in our office, and if he goes in there before you, it is the WORST! It smells like you are walking into a life-sized ash tray. He is a walking anti-smoking campaign.

• Also regarding the work bathroom situation, having one toilet is really tough! A couple of days ago, I went in there after someone who had just stunk the place up. It was bad, but I really had to pee. As if the horrid smell wasn’t enough, when I came out, there was a small group of people who were waiting. As the next guy went in, he rolled his eyes as if I was the culprit of this putrid aroma. So, in that guy’s mind, I am now falsely labeled as a bathroom stinker-upper. Totally unfair, but as my father always says, you can’t fight city hall.

• It is officially jacket weather. On a related note, my testicles will reside in my neck for the next 7 months.

• As usual, New Rochelle is leading the way in cutting edge technology! (If you are from Westchester, you will get that. If not, just know that that statement is sarcasm)

• Ever spend time with one of those guys who has a really raspy voice, as if he always needs to clear his throat? But, that is actually his natural tone. It is really annoying. You want to say something, but you just can’t.

• Sports-wise, I couldn’t be more in the dumps.
• Starting with baseball, I am a born Mets fan. And yes, they were the best National League team all year, and they are in the playoffs and are doing OK so far, but they won’t last. Their pitching roster completely folded. It sucks! If we get past the first series, I will be impressed.
• I am a much bigger football fan, and my allegiance lies with the Miami Dolphins, one of the worst 5 teams so far this year. This was supposed to be THE YEAR that they challenge the Patriots for domination of the AFC East. But, they have lost to some of the worst teams in the league so far this year. It is not looking good.

• I hate it when people refer to their sports teams as “we.” But, I must admit I do it sometimes, as you will notice above.

• There is a Bob Dylan exhibit at the Morgan Library now through January 6th which should be REALLY cool, especially if you are a huge fan of his music, as I am. I will be heading up there Saturday. I will report back.

• It is my parents